Sebastian

This wasn't how I planned to start my blog, but then things don't always happen as we plan them. Funny how that happens. I still don't know what my first post would have been, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Death entered my life again on Saturday May 18, and that changed everything. Have you ever had a pet that you loved so much that you could not imagine your life without them? A pet so beloved that they had become like a child to you? I did, and now he is gone. If I had been expecting it, prepared for it, maybe it wouldn't be this hard, but he shouldn't be dead and I am left confused and so very heartbroken because he is. He was my cat Sebastian. He was mine from the moment he was born. I sat at his mother's side all through the night as she gave birth to him and his littermates. I only had eyes for him though. He was mostly white with some black patches. A black tail tipped with white and ears the same. His nose was solid black in that startlingly white face, and every one of his little paw pads were solid black. He was my domino kitty. My "Bastian", my "meow-meow". It became quickly evident that I was his as well. Through out his life he only wanted me, unerringly he would seek me out regardless of who tried to get his attention. Often he would hide under the couch and wait until I was sitting comfortably with my laptop in my lap, and then climb out and carefully crawl into my lap, confident that he could fit there too. Somehow I always managed to make room. He wanted nothing but petting, scratching and bellyrubs, and I lavished them on him. He was the sweetest cat and devoted. Sometimes I would take his white tail tip and hold it to his mouth and ask "You want some ice cream?" He would always reach over and begin licking that white tip vigorously. He was a character. For seven years he was my constant companion, and now he's gone. He had chosen to stay outside the night before as he sometimes did, and when I came in the backyard to let him in the next morning he was curled up in the spot he always slept in except this time he wasn't asleep, he was just gone. I just don't understand, he was healthy, happy, and still in his prime. How can he be dead??? Part of me wants to run outside and dig him back up because I can't believe he's really gone. It seems like some horrible mistake. I don't want my beautiful kitty rotting in the ground, I want him with me in my arms where he should be. This isn't how it is supposed to be. We should have had so many more years together, and I can't fix it. I can't fix it.